Is Idol over yet? I mean, seriously. This show is just about the worst thing on television right now, or at least the worst thing I watch. I never watch anything on either MTV or TLC, so my scope is limited. I do watch America’s Next Top Model, though. It’s kind of a secret (or not-so-secret now) shame. And ANTM is way more interesting than Idol this season. At least on that show the judges give actual critiques and don’t single out one contestant for the slaughter and the contestants get to ride camels.
OK. What happened on Idol last night…hmmm…
Steven Tyler wore the nut huggingest nut huggers ever displayed on national American television. That’s a fact. You can look it up in the Guinness Book of Nut Huggers.
Old Lady Tyler is also a best selling author, so put that in your pretentious pipes and smoke it, all of you writers out there working on your “craft” with your “thesauri.”
J-Lo hates Haley. That’s official. I don’t know what happened. Maybe J-Lo’s husband, Marcus Antonius, wanted to drink some of Haley’s blood before retiring to his coffin bed for the night. I don’t know. I don’t have all the facts, just most of them.
Here’s how your “Top” “Four” fared last night, once again in haiku form.
(There will be no pictures today as the storm tracker obscured the view on my television, so y’all will have to just use your imaginations. For reference: Lauren wore a mullet dress followed by a Sally Struthers-inspired sparkle number. Durbin wore his hair in a comb-over. Haley was just a blur of glitter. And Scotty wore a gorgeous blush colored Calvin Klein sheath with a plunging neckline, and he truly pulled it off.)
James: How Deep This River Flows
His Idol “journey.”
He never “stopped believing.”
Hence the deep song choice.
Later did Elvis.
Gaga asked for hip motion.
She got screams instead.
Haley: The Idol Whipping Boy
Kind of meh song choice.
Over did it with the growls.
Dial it back, Ms. Klump.
“I Who Have Nothing,”
Better than “I’m Not Going.”
Haley rocked the house.
Scotty: Kristy Lee Cook, Never Forget
Wrapped himself in flag.
We viewers won’t fall for that.
All I wrote: Gag me.
Cute clips with Gaga.
She scares the hell out of him.
Sorry, I mean “heck.”
Lauren: Please, America, Don’t Put Me in the Bottom Two Again! I’m Your Wittle Wauren!
Sang the first song well.
Loved mullet dress in theory,
But not in practice.
Couldn’t hear her voice
Over all the gold lame
And the shoulder pads.
Who’s Going Home Tomorrow: In a SCHOCKER(!), James.
Penelope Cruz nicki minaj Carmen Sandiego Cheryl Burke